Who is to blame for your sexual problems? There are a number of couples, as well as many single males, who seek treatment for sexual problems. In most cases, the person who seeks treatment for sexual problems, happens to be in a relationship. And more often than not, it is a long term relationship.
When there is a sexual malfunction that happens to show its ugly head in the bedroom or for that matter, in a relationship, it is very easy to point fingers and say that the problem lies with the person who is suffering from the problem – and not the other sexual partner involved!
In couple’s therapy, in a large number of cases, in general, in a relationship, the person who has to take the blame for a sexual disorder, is the one who has the most number of physical symptoms. In some cases, the person pointing the finger of accusation, is the other person in the sexual relationship.
Strangely though, in a number of instances, the person who has the symptoms is in total agreement with his accusers. And this individual would like to take full responsibility and leave his sexual partner blame free.
It is true that we get into relationships, carrying our very own baggage. But it is also very true that it is this very personal baggage that we carry, that creates trouble for us, in our relationships. But, it is also very true that it is the relationship that we get into, which can aggravate the symptoms.
In a number of ways, it makes very good sense that person who is suffering from the sexual problems, should go to therapy alone and own the problem. But, the problem that arises when a person goes alone to therapy, is that the person then returns to the environ, i.e. the relationship – and the relationship would be based on the same principles, as before the person had gone for therapy.
And the big problem here is that, the other person in this relationship, has no clue as to what has happened in the therapy and whether or not the person who is going to therapy, is making any progress and making any desired changes. And as a result, the person who is going to therapy, is still prone to all the triggers that were in fact the cause of all the trouble from the onset.
With a view to dealing with sexual problems, it is also quite common to come as a couple, with the sole intention being to ‘fix’ the person who is seeking therapy. Because the belief here is that, the person who is seeking therapy, has been suffering from symptoms, prior to the relationship. Now, though it is true that the symptom may have existed prior to the relationship, if it dominates the relationship, then it needs to be treated as a problem that is connected to the relationship.
So, if to deal with the sexual problems, even though both people involved in the relationship may have gone for therapy, but one of the persons is just aching to take the onus for the problem or that person is being singled out as being the main person who is the cause of the problems, this means that there is a disparity with this issue – and the reality is that this could also help in explaining how and why a number of other disparities in the relationship arose.
At times, the person who takes the onus for the problem, takes the other person’s power away. And at times, it is blame that puts down the other person. In a relationship, these are just the sort of complex power dynamics that happen.
The most obvious symptom here, which is the sexual aspect, is just a small part, though a big one at that, in a much larger game.
And this is just the reason why sexual problems, are known as the gateway symptom, which could very well lead us to understanding the complex dynamics that are involved in a relationship.
Very rarely is it that where any individual is concerned, the stand-alone problem could be the result of some sort of a psychological sex issue, even though it may have been in existence, prior to the relationship. And this is for the plain and simple fact that human beings, in relationships, tend to repeat patterns. Also, human beings have the tendency to search for partners who they find easier to carry on with their behavioral patterns.
The weird reality is that each one of us is responsible for helping the other in perpetuating our baggage. Truly it has been said that we human beings are creatures of habit. As such, in order for us to be able to change our behavioral patterns, we need to seek help from another person of our environ – as we are unable to do this on our own!
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